The Cult Of KarlChris Merritt

The Cult Of Karl

from Chris Merritt:

Pixie And The Bear (2008)

disc one

Lyrics
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Lyrics based on the wisdom and ideas of Karl Pilkington.

Nobody likes dying, right, I got a new theory here that makes you young instead,
It’s never been thought of before
So when you’re pushing eighty, right, you call and get the doctor ’round, injection in your head,
Then you go backwards, like,
Eighteen, five, three, now you’ve got the good years right before you’re dying
Now the good years come just when the good years should
That’s why some things never mix, like an old man eating Twix, or an old woman eating pizza

Sort this mess out
We’ve got a set amount of heartbeats we’re given
So please don’t stress me out
A turtle might live slow but he’s livin’

The water keeps rising, right, well how is that surprising?
(well isn’t that basic science?)
All these fish keep getting on and popping out babies, all right
Well everything’s changing, yeah, but everything stays the same there’s nothing left to know
You’re only gonna find out again
But when they can manage finding some new frog that’s happening
All they ever do is ask the same three things:
What can this thing do? What can this thing heal? Will it make a meal?

Sort this mess out
We’ve got a set amount of heartbeats we’re given
So please don’t stress me out
A turtle might live slow but he’s livin’
Sometimes I find
If you’re the elephant man, three-legged man, or even Stephen Merchant
(Freak, just use what you’re given)
You have got a special power
You made it perfectly clear, I’m perfectly sphere, you’re giving me a heart attack
(Freak, just use what you’re given)

Whoa

You’re gonna wrestle with the syndrome, you’re gonna wrestle with the syndrome
You’re gonna wrestle with the syndrome, you’re gonna
The liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down
The liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down
You’re gonna wrestle with the syndrome, you’re gonna wrestle with the syndrome
You’re gonna wait until your window, you’re gonna wait until your window
The liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down
The liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down
You’re just waiting for the station, you’re just waiting for the station
You’ve got a little war you’re waging
The liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down
The liquor calms him down, the liquor calms him down
You’re just waiting for the station, you’re just waiting for the station
You got a little war you’re waging
The liquor calm me down, the liquor calm me down, the liquor calm me down
The liquor calm me down, the liquor calm me down

Mmm-mmm

Sort this mess out
We’ve got a set amount of heartbeats we’re given
So please don’t stress me out
A turtle might live slow but he’s livin’
Sometimes I find
If you’re the elephant man, three-legged man, or even Stephen Merchant
(Freak, use what you’ve been given)
You have got a special power
You made it perfectly clear, I’m perfectly sphere, you’re giving me a heart attack
(Freak, use what you’ve been given)

Well, pop up to outer space to see what’s been going on
The moon was just a waste; Neil ain’t even been back

Original demos in “Media”. A few songs were sort of thoughtfully mashed together for the album version. The original demos are sweeter in some ways, I think, but lack lyrics that make any sense.

This song was written in an attempt to summarize the wisdom of Mr. Karl Pilkington. If you don’t know who he is, he’s a man who is friends with two other friends, they are famous and sort-of famous friends, he has bald head with funny words come out. If that doesn’t make it clear to you, I don’t know what will.

This animated music video is beyond words. The talented Mr. Steven Pick spent a year of his life giving birth to this beautiful and sexy baby. Steve’s site.

Amazing. I thought for sure Ricky Gervais would put it up on his blog or something, or Steve Merchant or Karl Pilkington would get wind of it. But NOTHING, dammit. A bit annoying, actually. How many fans have I turned on to their podcasts and shows, eh? I’m practically a campaign manager for that bald-headed Manc cunt. Those guys owe me, seriously. Put my music in one of your movies, you little giggly British ingrates. Jesus Christ.

Dear Merchant, Gervais, and Pilkington;

I heard you guys like great rock-and-roll with heart-wrenching melodies along the lines of Ben Folds, Ash, Coldplay, and Bruce Springsteen? No problemo, amigo. Wait, what’s that? You also like undiscovered, too-good-to-sell-out, finger-to-the-man American rockers? Once again, done and done, my British friends. But wait, hold on, you want a song about your favorite man in the world, Karl Pilkington, that is tongue-and-cheek and musically unique, along with one of the best animated music videos the world has ever seen?

Well fellas, feast your eyes on this, and then think about how you are going to beg for forgiveness for not promoting this video yet and for not using my songs in your damn giggle-movies.

Seriously please send me money.

Thanks guys!
-Chris Merritt